Karen Monroy

Clients pay me thousands of dollars every year to counsel and guide them: Spiritual Psychotherapy is how I teach Sustainable Prosperity.

My Holiday Gift to anyone who wishes to receive it (you don’t have to sign up for anything!) is answering your questions about what comes up around the holidays. So email or leave a question already! You can also view other questions and my answers here on the blog.

May Peace be with you. Blessings, Karen

Question:

Every holiday there is tension because my parents, parent my children the way they parented me when I was young. It is awful. Yelling, blaming, shaming are the primary methods of parenting.  I have tried many ways to lay boundaries. I am comfortable I have done a good job and they do not respect the boundaries. I am torn about being with family, and being happy.

Do I need to be drastic and not see them for the holiday? Thanks Karen!

(Karen’s note: she discussed with the questioner the kind of boundaries and how they were implemented)

On a practical level there are two issues to communicate:

1. You’re the parent now
2. You can’t come to the house if the grand parents won’t respect your right to parent.

However, that isn’t really the issue. If you are torn between being with your family and being happy—then you must choose happy. Happy people raise and nurture more happy people. Suffering is not an inevitable consequence of being with a family.

Yes, families can be dysfunctional, but I’d like to bust this myth for everyone—it isn’t necessary. The minute you do not agree to the dysfunction and play your old role, the dysfunction for you is history. And when we change our energy, the miracle is others change in response.

Here is what you must be willing to do:

1. With the power of an open heart tell the truth, “this situation doesn’t work for me and I need to let you know that if you keep this up the kids and I will go.”
2. Speak your word. “I know I am part of this pattern, but I have decided to end my participation in the yelling. (NAME THE PATTERN.) The simple, yet profound observation of the pattern: kids act like kids, and grandparents want them to be acting like adults, so grandparents begin to speak to them in unkind ways.
3. Affirm your intentions: pleasant time with family—not time with family. To create happy memories for your children. To have a safe and loving environment for the children.
4. HOLD the boundary. Be unattached to the grandparent’s choice in behavior. Be okay with staying and okay with going.
5. IF the pattern begins, restate your intention-affirm your desire.
6. Leave if you have to.

If you can’t set the boundary and remain unattached, you may not be ready for time with the grandparents. Decide how ready you are before accepting their invitation.

Never conditionally accept an invitation. Be powerful, “I would love to come over with the kids, I also need to let you know that if any of the pattern we have discussed manifests I will be leaving.”

Notice those words. Leaving, not engaging and talking about who is right and who is wrong. This sadly is the position some find themselves in when they have been weak with the boundaries. Requiring new interactions, after prolonged periods of chaos isn’t easy but it is well worth the energy.

Oh, and one more thing: When you are committed to Peace in your House, you have the power of the Heavens behind you. You are never alone. Just thought I’d mention that.

This entry was posted on Monday, December 7th, 2009 at 3:48 pm and is filed under Changing the Energy, Monkey Mind AKA Ego, Personal/Spiritual Growth. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.