Karen Monroy

Most of us understand the concept of cleaning out to make room for the new. Traveling light and not bringing (consciously anyway) baggage with us as we go down new roads. We forget sometimes when we are making resolutions about what we want to happen in the future, how we thwart those good intentions when we fail to properly ‘clean house’.

Amidst the noise of all of the things you think you have to do and the blitzkrieg from others of what you should be doing, I’d like to offer you a few moments of peace, through your journey that you can come back to again and again. You only need to try this once, to know if it will work for you. It’s that easy. Let’s begin the cleaning up and clearing out.

Your ego is not your friend. It isn’t naturally your enemy either. But if you have lived for a few years it has picked up reactions and defense mechanisms along the path of life that are not sustainable or helpful to the life you want to really live.

By the definition of change, even if you are ecstatically, joyfully happy now, the same ego things that are working for you now, will not work in the future.

Not changing is how the ego thinks. Sustainability is how Spirit thinks. Spirit knows you are a thread in the fabric of life. Other threads are always added and the garment itself is always changing. Ego has the false belief there is a finished garment waiting for you to purchase if you are good enough, clever enough, enthusiastic enough-which of course you never are.

Ego thrives on noise, information, input, doing, and attachment to results. It feeds itself with drama, and becomes more sophisticated through the years in the ways it presents itself to be ‘right’. Seek and do not find is the major dictate of the ego. Yet, it has the uncanny ability to pick the very things that will, if you transcend them lead to your release from it’s dogma.

Get clear ego is meant to be in service of your Right Mind, your Soul, your Spirit your God self—whatever name you want to call it-but  it is this “It” that is in charge. Get clear this is the one decision you need make. If you make it-it is life changing. This one decision made, there is blessing of clarity: Ease and Grace become your modes of moving through earth school.

Ease and Grace are your traveling companions because  All other decisions, you will step back and let Spirit lead the way. You have made the one that expresses your free will. This is the transcendence of the ego—not the vanquishment or conquering (as it is a part of you and life here in Earth School)  but the right use of your ego mind.

I like to keep a checklist with me about ego behaviors.  At the end of the list I will share how I use it. I do this because I can quickly transcend to my one decision and travel via Ease and Grace. This list is a compilation of over 25 years of experience, in my own life and the lives I have been blessed to work with. I hope you accept it as my new years gift to you for the one decision you may be willing to make, again and again during 2010: (BTW: another name for the list is energy leaks)

1. Incessant Wanting

2. Attachment to—anything

3. In the past with regret, or future with worry

4. Noise, distraction

5. Drama.  Invite friends to get involved in Drama, by asking ‘their opinion

6. Denial of what is

7. Doing, more, faster, smarter-but still doing out of alignment with your spirit’s mission

8. Fear, and pretending it is ‘the truth’

9. Expectations, especially of self

10. Inconsistent

11.  Lack of boundaries

12. ‘Right and wrong’ thinking

13.  Judgments, opining and supposing

14. Lack of faith, vision, narrow-mindedness

15. Demands, defending, blaming, lying, avoiding

16. Believing your thoughts

17. Passionate about something that is not your business

18. Lack of empathy, understanding

19. “What about me” mantra

20. Martyr

At any moment of ‘dis-ease’: be it a tightening of my stomach, holding breath, a strong emotion, I check my list. Yup, it’s on the list. Darn. Then I ask, “Do I want to choose again”? Mostly I do-but it has taken years of practice to be able to say that. If I don’t want to choose again—stay stuck in the ego mud as it were-then I open myself to the observer and notice this is my choice. Isn’t it interesting, I note, “this is my choice”. I watch myself in this choice, I notice how the choice continues to deliver the stream of discomfort-and then I ask again. “Okey-dokey do you want to choose differently now”?

Eventually the answer is yes. Yes, I want to pull the plug on whatever the ego game is knowing full well it will bring a blessing. I always feel a wave of peace wash over me at this moment-and I smile-it’s so good to live in a kind and loving universe.

Ease and Grace are yours, for the One Decision. Life loves you that much. Good to know, yes?

All the best in 2010-and may your blessings be more than your ego mind could ever imagine, because you have left it’s dominance behind.

Thanks for the timely article about what is under all of the consuming. (It can be read here: http://bit.ly/2r8JoX) I have a question about family traditions. I’m married, we don’t really practice any religion–but I long for a deeper sense of meaning. I am worried about my kids, the consumer bug has them. My husband Mr. “just don’t worry be happy” doesn’t want to discuss what I think I see. But it feels like avoidance to me and unhealthy. I don’t want to be looking for problems, but don’t know what to do.

Awakening is often described as messy. I disagree it is a necessary attribute of awakening, but do agree it is a frequent one. If you can accept two things: 1. You are changing and so is your life 2. The change is necessary, because it is the nature of life: then you stop leaking energy on trying to keep the outer picture perfect.

Obviously your comment, “Mr. don’t worry be happy” is meaningful. In our discussions you mentioned that your husband is living on the surface of life, and you are unfulfilled in that same milieu.

We have so many un-realistic, stifling notions about life and relationships in our culture.  One such notion you seem to be suffering from is your husband is your decider. Another part of your difficulty is you want your husband to be happy with choices you do make. In essence he is your cop out.

This is dysfunction at it most basic level. You are not, and can never be responsible for another’s happiness. By failing to step up to the responsibility of making you-self happy, you are unable to present with your heart and speak what lies buried inside.

As you noted, it is not just living on the surface that has you unfulfilled, it is also having relationships that exist on the surface bereft of any sacred component.

I strongly suggest you journal, freely about your ideal marriage. No editorializing or truncation via ego judgments of, “It’s impossible”.  Ask your heart to speak to you and promise it you will listen. Here are some of the components to an ideal relationship I heard you describe:

A deep commitment to exploration and growth

A sense of support and presence from your beloved for life and this growth

A mutual respect for idea’s opinions

The reality is, if your Spirit has left the relationship, then so have you. The sooner you come to terms with the implications of your years of silence the better the chances you have of co-creating the relationship of your hearts desire.

In the meantime, this holiday season is a wonderful way to begin your exploration of your inner-life. What does it mean to have the light inside you be ignited? What is awakening? Spirituality is not a religion. It is the quest for the meaning of Life. Religion can help or hinder this quest depending on your baggage about religion. Each religion has it traditions, and it’s mystical roots. I would suggest you stay away from the dogma and look at the roots. One thing is for certain, when the light is awakened, the entire Universe comes to your aide. You will be guided to the sacred material that is a match for your first steps on the journey. I would suggest you constantly affirm your willingness to receive the aide, and express gratitude when you do.

To your last question of me, “Will you get a divorce?” Clearly that is beyond my vision. But I can see the worry you have that you will divorce if you pursue your Spiritual Awakening. This is what has been causing you the most pain.

Here is what I can tell you: Have faith in the Spiritual DNA that is unfolding in your life. Your relationship is meant to be the greatest learning device for both you and your husband, it’s form is immaterial to your Spirit.  Letting go of all of the unrealistic notions about relationships and what a marriage “is” allows you to focus on the content of your life, not be stuck with the form.

One last, very important thing to remember: You can never, ever tell what someone’s Spiritual Journey is by looking at the outside. The Divine is at work in your husband, as surely as it is at work in you.

Be Vigilant to any thoughts that are tempted to evaluate another  journey

Clients pay me thousands of dollars every year to counsel and guide them: Spiritual Psychotherapy is how I teach Sustainable Prosperity.

My Holiday Gift to anyone who wishes to receive it (you don’t have to sign up for anything!) is answering your questions about what comes up around the holidays. So email or leave a question already! You can also view other questions and my answers here on the blog.

May Peace be with you. Blessings, Karen

Question:

Every holiday there is tension because my parents, parent my children the way they parented me when I was young. It is awful. Yelling, blaming, shaming are the primary methods of parenting.  I have tried many ways to lay boundaries. I am comfortable I have done a good job and they do not respect the boundaries. I am torn about being with family, and being happy.

Do I need to be drastic and not see them for the holiday? Thanks Karen!

(Karen’s note: she discussed with the questioner the kind of boundaries and how they were implemented)

On a practical level there are two issues to communicate:

1. You’re the parent now
2. You can’t come to the house if the grand parents won’t respect your right to parent.

However, that isn’t really the issue. If you are torn between being with your family and being happy—then you must choose happy. Happy people raise and nurture more happy people. Suffering is not an inevitable consequence of being with a family.

Yes, families can be dysfunctional, but I’d like to bust this myth for everyone—it isn’t necessary. The minute you do not agree to the dysfunction and play your old role, the dysfunction for you is history. And when we change our energy, the miracle is others change in response.

Here is what you must be willing to do:

1. With the power of an open heart tell the truth, “this situation doesn’t work for me and I need to let you know that if you keep this up the kids and I will go.”
2. Speak your word. “I know I am part of this pattern, but I have decided to end my participation in the yelling. (NAME THE PATTERN.) The simple, yet profound observation of the pattern: kids act like kids, and grandparents want them to be acting like adults, so grandparents begin to speak to them in unkind ways.
3. Affirm your intentions: pleasant time with family—not time with family. To create happy memories for your children. To have a safe and loving environment for the children.
4. HOLD the boundary. Be unattached to the grandparent’s choice in behavior. Be okay with staying and okay with going.
5. IF the pattern begins, restate your intention-affirm your desire.
6. Leave if you have to.

If you can’t set the boundary and remain unattached, you may not be ready for time with the grandparents. Decide how ready you are before accepting their invitation.

Never conditionally accept an invitation. Be powerful, “I would love to come over with the kids, I also need to let you know that if any of the pattern we have discussed manifests I will be leaving.”

Notice those words. Leaving, not engaging and talking about who is right and who is wrong. This sadly is the position some find themselves in when they have been weak with the boundaries. Requiring new interactions, after prolonged periods of chaos isn’t easy but it is well worth the energy.

Oh, and one more thing: When you are committed to Peace in your House, you have the power of the Heavens behind you. You are never alone. Just thought I’d mention that.