Hi Michelle,
Unfortunately in some families the dynamics of childhood years do not pass with the maturity of adult years. Everyone takes on certain rolls—in your case the “black sheep” and never lay down the stigma when the family reunites. Yes, as an adult you have changed, but it is possible you have not yet integrated those changes into your family role. This would be evidenced by any lingering “sting”over the past behaviors. Sit with this question for a bit: Do you still feel embarrassed , less than, or inferior about who you are when interacting with your family?
Many folks wonder how they can so quickly revert to their childhood roles by returning to the childhood surroundings, be it on the phone or in person. Here’s why: Our brain function has stored patterns of behavior based upon interactions with others. When these patterns are created, the brain doesn’t analyze if it likes the behavior or not—just if this behavior has “worked” for the particular circumstance. Clearly, what worked when you were younger (lying to not get in trouble, and acting out for attention) is seen as maladaptive behavior now, but it “worked” for it’s specific purpose back then.
I can tell you from years of experience, silence is a killer of all relationships. It appears much is inferred between all family members, but not much is clearly communicated. Clear expression is the key to changing the default programming.
I worked with a couple that had a very difficult time with one of their children. They kept blaming the child for problems that were really between the couple-as adults, co-parents, and life partners. I encouraged them to work on this issue with the child, and as they did they could see what the child did, was the catalyst for pointing out all of their “stuff” they were unwilling to see.
The dad described the child as “needy” (good grief, what child isn’t? that is why they are children!) and the mom was resentful of any attention the child received, feeling she never received that attention from the marriage. The father also resented the mom’s needs.
I have no idea if this is the case in your family, but I share this possibility with you so you can see it isn’t you. Yes, at one time your behaviors caused grief and pain. If you have not made appropriate amends with them, then you need to do so. I suspect you have made the amends, as that is part of any healing work. You must deal with the circumstances not in your former role as child but that of adult who has grown and matured.
Your siblings also appear to stuck in the old dynamic with you. You need to deal with this openly and honestly.
When calling this year, inquire “Sibling, you know every year you tell me what mom and dad got you, ask what they got me and then we talk about how they are still mad at me. The truth is I have no idea if what is happening today has anything to do with me, or not. That is something between them and me. I am interested in having adult relationships with my family including you sibling, but in order to do that we are going to have to get out of this old habit. I am wondering if you are interested in breaking this habit with me?” Moving forward be sure to only speak with them about today, what is happening now. What you love about your life, what you are celebrating and the same for them. Keep it on this level until you feel a peace in your gut about your relationship with them. This peace is a signal you have a new default pattern.
With your parents you have a few decisions to make. Do you need to take a break from them for a time to complete your healing and owning of your new self? If that course of action doesn’t resonate with you, then deal with them the same way—say what it is you observe, ask if they are ready to move onto something new.
“Hi mom and dad, I’ve noticed (inset pattern here, with no blame or rehashing of history) and I do no know if you are still trying to communicate to me that you are angry and upset with me for how I behaved when I was a teenager. If you are, I’d like to say when you are ready to talk about it I’d like to see if we can move on from the past and have relationship based upon who we all have grown into today”.
Keep up with the observations until you are satisfied they are either never going to be honest about their upset—or that you misunderstand them and have a new agreement for future interactions.
If you remember nothing else when you interact with your family, remember this dynamic can only continue on with your permission, and it is here to give you a blessing. Once you decide You are done with the dynamic, you will be blessed by it.
When I read this I was amazed because I still feel a sting over past events. I replayed in my head what was said that got me triggered and I can see I am reacting to the past. I am still trying to defend myself. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Thank you, this was powerful for me.
PS Not that I disagree with what you suggest to say. But I would find it very difficult to say. I put myself in those words and I am not brave enough. Arghhhhhhhhhh again.
I have felt like for years no matter how many chages and growing I did it would never be enough for my parents. Yes I was a terrible teenager. I have apologized until I am purple and blue and it still feels like the big pink elephant in the room at family holidays.
I realized there is still a sting for me when I think of events. Mostly, my reasons for acting out have never been validated or acknowledged. It was way too much to handle finding my mom sleeping with my uncle when I was 10. The entire “lie” permeated the house and family. I was in constant reaction to this crazy.
Thanks for the thoughts. I need to work on letting this go