Hi Everyone! Here is the first “sticky holiday” question:
“Most of my family is into gift giving. I have tried to talk them into all different ways, pick a name, white elephant exchange and even no gifts. I can’t get them to budge! I am tired of being in this agony over buying gifts, feeling resentful and tired of the fighting with my husband over this too! Help.”
I always want to support any effort to stretch and grow. So I mean this in the most supportive way—what do you think you gain by playing the victim?
Before you read on, I will ask you to take 5 minutes with an internal inquiry. Do you believe it makes others happy? Do you hate to feel uncomfortable so you do not really express how much distress it causes? Do you believe it keeps you from being the “heavy or to blame?”
It’s important you know the false belief you have around being the victim. It’s important to expose why you are willing to play this part, even when it clearly distresses you.
If you can’t say “no”, then your yes is meaningless. That’s right, all those gifts given in the past do not mean a thing. It is not a blessing, but rather a curse to give with resentment instead of your free will.
You can refuse to participate in this behavior that doesn’t work for you in so many ways. We are never, ever forced to do anything. We make a choice because we think the choice will gain us something. What do you think you will gain when you play the victim?
Once you decide you are much more powerful than what the victim moniker allows you—a whole new world opens up!
A good tool for this is “fake it till you make it”. ( you can read more about this tool here: http://bit.ly/3pyQHp)
Ask the question, “What would a confidant, peaceful, committed and authentic person say to this situation?” No, editorializing, judging or equivocating. Answer the question straight out.
Here are some hints:
Write a letter from the heart that refrains from blame, rehashing history and affirms your authentic desire: “Dear all, I love you and value our family. I am not at peace with our current arrangements concerning gift giving. I have decided I will not be participating. It is my deepest desire that you do not buy me a present, as I will not be purchasing one for you.
I would love for the family to come to other arrangements, but I do not expect others to give up something they want because this doesn’t work for me.
I look forward to sharing the holidays with you all. Love, X
To the Husband:
Here is the letter I have written and will be sending out to the family. I realize you do not support me in this, and I am not trying to change how you feel. We do however, need to discuss how you will pay for presents on your own, as I will not be participating.
Please notice: while you read this was your thought “I can’t say that!” or “OMG this will cause a big stink!”
That kind of thinking is a symptom you have got the co-dependent saboteur running around in your head.
Your only job in life is to be authentic. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Go back and do clean up when you don’t.
When you are authentic, when you are willing to meet life as it is–it allows others to “get real”.
Refusing to be authentic causes everyone pain-including you. While there may be some temporary discomfort by others when you do not dance the dance of victim or co-dependent any more—it’s temporary and everyone always gets over it. Remember Giving and Receiving are part of the same energetic loop. Give with resentment, receive resentment. Be authentic sooner rather than later. Respect others by giving them timely notice of the change you will be making this year.
One last thing: focus on your core value of the meaning of the holiday: spending the holiday being with them. Affirm it constantly, “I love all of you and I am so happy to be able to spend this time with you. Thank you for the gift of your time.”
REMEMBER I AM TAKING QUESTIONS ALL MONTH LONG-DON’T BE SHY SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION! 
It can be done in baby steps. I don’t need anything and the stuff I want (like fruity body lotion) doesn’t cost much, but my inlaws are shop-aholics. Last year I got them to agree to picking names out of a hat but this year they balked. But guess what? Instead of going back to insane gift buying for everyone under the sun they came up with a very low monetary cap on all gifts and we agreed to do dutch on a gift for MIL. I am making progress.
Hi Karen, My family is scattered all across the country. My siblings and I call each other on Christmas. Inevitably they tell me about what our parents have given them–and ask me what mom and dad got for me. It is clear my present is materially less. This is for many reasons. I was “trouble” in my teen years. I was angry, acted out and caused much pain for my parents. Even though I am a different person today, they still are angry with me–and every holiday remind me by sending a present late or one that is “not like the others”.
I used to be in a lot of pain over this and have worked on releasing it. I would like to be able to have a response to my siblings that doesn’t validate me being a victim of the parents anger any more.
Every holiday there is tension because my parents parent my children–the way they parented me when I was young. This way doesn’t work at all. Yelling, blaming, shaming. I have tried many ways to lay boundaries. I am comfortable I have done a good job and they do not respect the boundaries. I am torn about being with family, and being happy.
Do I need to be drastic and not see them for the holiday? Thanks Karen!
Hi Karen!
I have been invited to two different girlfriends family’s holiday celebrations. I like both girls but I am worried about what they will think this means–what their family will think this means and how to handle it. It also looks like I can’t be two places at the same time, so should I be honest with the other girl about what I am doing? Or say I can’t come?
Our children are young-6 mo. 2.5 yr.s and 5. My husband’s mother wants us to come on Christmas eve and spend the night. My husband didn’t check with me, and said, “sure.” I found out via a phone call from my mother in-law saying she was so happy to finally have us Christmas morning.
I have been working very hard at making our own family traditions, and part of those are to be in my children’s home. I am very upset and want to yell at my husband and make him fix it. I thought I’d ask you before I did! Thanks Karen