Karen Monroy

(Karen’s note: I clarified Kris is dating two women who do not know he is dating other)

Hi Kris,

One of the first spiritual principals we work with (because it is foundational) is when we do not honor others: we dishonor our-self.

To me that is the crux of your question.

Being a spiritual guide has taught me there appears to be two sides of the matter (we live in a world of duality after all) the ego side and the spiritual side.

These two seemingly opposing sides are really meant to be working together as a team. Ego assisting in the navigation of earth school, taking commands from Spirit. Feet on the ground as it were, and head in the clouds.

While it is always easier to commit errors of “omission” than “commission”: the price you pay is the same. Being out of integrity with your-self automatically cuts you off from guidance-they very thing you need. Stop it. Loss of guidance is too high a price to pay for anything on this planet.

Clearly, dating two different women who think you are only dating them is out of integrity-for you and for them.

Kris, your reasons why: “it just happened, I didn’t plan it this way” are just excuses of the ego. Feeling the disquiet, ill-at-ease-with self-feeling, is your spirit letting you know you are out of integrity. The Universe, because it is kind and loving and wants us always to be in alignment with our true self is presenting you with the opportunity to do “clean-up”.

Your question (who should you spend the holidays with and what meaning would be implied) should be asked of each friend—only after a deep internal inquiry about what the relationship means for you, and why you have let yourself get in a circumstance that feels wrong to you.

Your current way of dealing with the two girlfriends: sliding though uncomfortable situations by any avoidance possible is a bad habit. Stop it.

Instead, Look at this circumstance as your opportunity to practice, given to you by a kind and loving universe that wants you to be happy.

Notice your discomfort with broaching the subject of what your relationship “is” with each friend, and therefore what it could mean if you went to a parent’s home for the holidays.

If you are honestly “lost” as to which girl to “pick” then don’t pick either.

I suspect from our conversation you are clear you have better sex with one, but prefer the company of the other. You want both girls-rolled into one.

This is the second foundational principal you are violating. In order for us to be guided, we must first accept what the situation is. We are not asked to “like it”: rather to not resist it. When we allow any unpleasant circumstance “in” we can be guided about what is ours to do (if anything).

Many couples with years of committed relationships have under-performing sex lives. Why? Because they do exactly what you are doing now-avoiding the issue.

Healthy sex lives is part of having bodies. So learning to communicate about it early in you life is a blessing. I would also ask you to consider getting professional help with this topic. Saying, “you just lay there” isn’t much help. Rather, affirming the affection you feel for someone, their kindness and tenderness,  wondering what you can do to enhance the sexual part of the relationship, and if they are interested in exploring this with you, is a more useful approach to your desired goals.

What present to buy either girlfriend, whom to spend the holidays with—these are all false ego concerns. Until you decide you want a joy-full not drama-full life, and commit to improve either relationship with integrity: the rest is just cheap drama.

Hi Michelle,

Unfortunately in some families the dynamics of childhood years do not pass with the maturity of adult years. Everyone takes on certain rolls—in your case the “black sheep” and never lay down the stigma when the family reunites.  Yes, as an adult you have changed, but  it is possible you have not yet integrated those changes into your family role. This would be evidenced by any lingering “sting”over the past behaviors. Sit with this question for a bit: Do you still feel embarrassed , less than, or inferior about who you are when interacting with your family?

Many folks wonder how they can so quickly revert to their childhood roles by returning to the childhood surroundings, be it on the phone or in person. Here’s why: Our brain function has stored patterns of behavior based upon interactions with others. When these patterns are created, the brain doesn’t analyze if it likes the behavior or not—just if this behavior has “worked” for the particular circumstance. Clearly, what worked when you were younger (lying to not get in trouble, and acting out for attention) is seen as maladaptive behavior now, but it “worked” for it’s specific purpose back then.

I can tell you from years of experience, silence is a killer of all relationships. It appears much is inferred between all family members, but not much is clearly communicated. Clear expression is the key to changing the default programming.

I worked with a couple that had a very difficult time with one of their children. They kept blaming the child for problems that were really between the couple-as adults, co-parents, and life partners. I encouraged them to work on this issue with the child, and as they did they could see what the child did, was the catalyst for pointing out all of their “stuff” they were unwilling to see.

The dad described the child as “needy” (good grief, what child isn’t? that is why they are children!) and the mom was resentful of any attention the child received, feeling she never received that attention from the marriage. The father also resented the mom’s needs.

I have no idea if this is the case in your family, but I share this possibility with you so you can see it isn’t you. Yes, at one time your behaviors caused grief and pain. If you have not made appropriate amends with them, then you need to do so. I suspect you have made the amends, as that is part of any healing work. You must deal with the circumstances not in your former role as child but that of adult who has grown and matured.

Your siblings also appear to stuck in the old dynamic with you. You need to deal with this openly and honestly.

When calling this year, inquire “Sibling, you know every year you tell me what mom and dad got you, ask what they got me and then we talk about how they are still mad at me. The truth is I have no idea if what is happening today has anything to do with me, or not. That is something between them and me. I am interested in having adult relationships with my family including you sibling, but in order to do that we are going to have to get out of this old habit. I am wondering if you are interested in breaking this habit with me?”  Moving forward be sure to only speak with them about today, what is happening now. What you love about your life, what you are celebrating and the same for them. Keep it on this level until you feel a peace in your gut about your relationship with them. This peace is a signal you have a new default pattern.

With your parents you have a few decisions to make. Do you need to take a break from them for a time to complete your healing and owning of your new self? If that course of action doesn’t resonate with you, then deal with them the same way—say what it is you observe, ask if they are ready to move onto something new.

“Hi mom and dad, I’ve noticed (inset pattern here, with no blame or rehashing of history) and I do no know if you are still trying to communicate to me that you are angry and upset with me for how I behaved when I was a teenager. If you are, I’d like to say when you are ready to talk about it I’d like to see if we can move on from the past and have relationship based upon who we all have grown into today”.

Keep up with the observations until you are satisfied they are either never going to be honest about their upset—or that you misunderstand them and have a new agreement for future interactions.

If you remember nothing else when you interact with your family, remember this dynamic can only continue on with your permission, and it is here to give you a blessing. Once you decide You are done with the dynamic, you will be blessed by it.

Do you have any of these behaviors when you are trying to get motivated?

*search for inspirational songs, writings or sayings?

*tell everyone who will give you the time of day about your slump?

*decide to start on a totally new different tangent to distract you from the slump?

*eat, drink, and sleep?

*grouse, bemoan, and become confounded?

*use psychological avoidance by creating drama, quarrels, or problems to solve?

Welcome to the world of human being—being confused!

Two things to know: 1. you don’t have to go through this frustration if you have the right tool to use and 2. You have the right tool.

All the right tools are in side of us. Some times these innate tools are referred to a wisdom tools, spiritual tools, or your higher power. It doesn’t matter what you name the tools; what matters is you use them when you need them.

The tool in this circumstance is acceptance. Before you get all “that’s stupid” on me, and let me explain. Acceptance doesn’t mean you LIKE it. It means you have the ability to say, “Okay this is happening now.”

See, when we get busy trying to change what is because we don’t like it—we miss being able to do essentially what we have come into this life to do—learn.

Accepting our get up and go has got up and left, allows us to open with curiosity—not judgment—to introspection about what is working for us and what is not.

Let’s say you have made the common mistake of  doing for others, without doing for you, thus no replenishing the well. Well is now dry. No real mystery, but accepting this has happened and contemplating when you got the first signals it was happening, and when you ignored the signals, what was your motivation for ignoring the signals is much needed data for learning.

If you are like most folks, and immediately begin to try to fix, change, alter, and make palatable what is not preferable in life—you are depriving yourself of the data needed to get the results you prefer.

Let whatever is happening, be what is happening. Notice your opinion about it, feelings about it and then LET IT BE. Ask this circumstance what it has to teach you. Honor yourself, open and receive the data and respond to the data.

If you get up and go has got up and went–say,”Thank you. I am listening now. What do you have to teach me?”

You’ll be glad you did.