It might seem obvious discerning a want or a need. Think about how often you say, “I need that” when referring to a latte, a vacation, or that pair of shoes on sale.
In case you are feeling defensive—I am not calling to question the want. On the contrary: the want is POINTING to a critical need. All wants disguised as needs are a confusion of form.
Often wants and needs are battling it out in our minds. It can feel like they are in competition with each other. Awareness or Mindfulness shows us we confuse forms and wants with needs. Our wants and desires are pointing to a deeper, authentic need. Alignment with Authentic needs is essential for sustainable prosperity in money, relationships and happiness.
For example: “I need a latte.” Clearly you never need a latte. But you do need to feel engaged, invigorated and alert in many circumstances. Your processing has determined that a latte helps with this. Be it driving or a project at work—the qualities of being engaged assist with better results. So our “lazy mind” gets sloppy with language and says “I need a latte.” With constant repetition of this phrase, we actually believe we need the latte.
Spiritual tools like Clarity help us say instead, “I don’t feel I am doing my best right now. I need to take a moment to energize myself”. Experiment with this. I can assure you that you will think of at least one or two other options besides latte that will invigorate you, and most likely do a better job. Putting on your favorite up-tempo music, walk around the block, or drink of water and some stretching are just a few that come to mind.
Awareness or developing the “observer” helps us see the need, even if we disguise it with a want. Let me share with you a powerful circumstance illustrating this dynamic.
I was giving a talk at a book signing. We were discussing the power of awareness, the power of clarity and the power of our words.
One of the attendee’s said, “I need my husband to stop drinking, my life would be so much better.”
Notice the assumptions:
*Husband getting sober would make things better
*Husbands drinking dictate her happiness
Anyone who has worked with a 12 step program knows the term “dry drunk”. Drinking has stopped, but no recovery. The underlying illness that drinking covered-up is still present. So much for assumption number one.
We also know the wife playing victim is a lack of responsibility. The fact is she does have choices. What she also has is monkey mind and a bunch of reasons why the choices won’t work. Without changing the victim and co-dependent mindset the wife will always be hostage to something in life, even if the husband stops drinking. So much for assumption number two.
Now, because this circumstance isn’t happening to you, it is easy to see the assumptions and the faulty logic in the assumptions. But the person in the circumstance rarely can see the faulty nature of the assumptions. Everyone can however, use a Spiritual tools to by-pass this ego mind limitation.
If the wife looks beyond the surface want to the Authentic Need:
She needs to feel safe. She needs to feel empowered. She can then determine if her husband ending his drinking would fill either one of these needs. Of course she’d be tempted to say yes. If she did, she could repeat this process again, until she moved to the inevitable conclusion: no one else can make her feel safe or empowered. That is her job.
The Spiritual tool of Clarity and Discernment are available for all of us to use. As with any Spiritual tool, we have them by birthright. We never need anyone’s permission to use them, and we never have to be granted Spiritual tools by another.
Life requires Clarity and Discernment of wants and needs. Listen to your words as the come out of your mouth, or form as thoughts in your head. Rejoice when you hear yourself say, “I need……..” instead of “I want….” as an opportunity to look at your authentic needs and open your mind to the path of sustainability, in your happiness, prosperity and purpose.
