Psst! Hey, ego! You-who! Yes, you. I got something for you, but keep it on the lowdown. And destroy it after you read it. No, don’t read it here. Go somewhere where no one will see you.
I know a great place you can stay for free. A place you can make yourself at home, lurking in the past events and circumstances of the host’s mind, or worrying about the future.
You can have as much free rent as you’d like—just be careful to keep misery you create down to a mild river—you know, that state of malaise and general “Yea, I’m okay” that most hosts have in their thoughts. If you cross the line and make the host miserable, just about anything can happen. Your host may decide to join a recovery group. Or even worse, the host may decide that they can make their own choices, especially the ones you previously were making unconsciously and automatically. If the host decides to “get over it” and stop being so angry and such a victim in life, you might as well pack your bags— you are toast.
That is, of course, unless you can be persuasive. You have the ability to be the silver-tongued devil (The Bible coined that phrase— like it is such a bad thing!) and you will need all of your skills now. Best bet is to lie low. Be quiet. Give the poor host the idea that they are making progress—even getting enlightened! Yes, yes, we know that is just a false pride—but let ‘em have it. Throwing the host a bone every now and then will keep you around to be revived another day.
Yes, I'm listening.
So once you have laid low for a bit, you can start whispering in their ear. The best trick is to get them to look at other people’s lack of progress. They are after all, so Spiritual now. They can easily see ‘failing to follow spiritual principle’ because the host has been going to so many self-improvement seminars and meditation workshops and reading spiritual books. But you want them to focus on failing to see other’s lack of following spiritual principle. But you don’t want to be too obvious! Really, you have to say it like this, “I know they are undergoing their growth and even though I can’t see it, they are a child of God, too.” That should be perfect. Of course, the host will not get the fact that if we were not there, they wouldn’t even see the supposed “mistake” to begin with! Whew, thank goodness for drama, saves our butt time and time again. Oh, if that doesn’t work: then turn on them. Yes, it isn’t others—it is them. The host is really a total miserable wretch. Now, sometimes that may be true—like with that Hitler dude, or Dick Cheney. Seriously, most folks are not cold-hearted enough, and can’t get people to listen to them even if they are. So, it is easier to just focus on others and only use self-flagellation in emergencies.
Oh, forgot to mention the addiction thing. If you can get them addicted to anything—sex, spending and shopping, who is right and who is wrong (this is really a good one and works all of the time!) or drugs or alcohol—well, that is just the cat’s meow.
Now listen up. No one, and I mean no one, knows this: you can even get them addicted to getting spiritual! Really! I would not make that up. Okay, maybe I do make some things up—but not this. Trust me. They love, and I mean love, feeling like they are getting spiritual. “On the journey.” “Walking their path.” They have so many names for it! Do not—I repeat do not ever tell them it is all about NOW. I mean if they were just present— being here, now… Ohwwwoooowwooo! Ugh! It sends shivers up my spine to just think about it. Oh lord, I think I need a pill. That reminds me: prescription medications—those are so great for addictions! And the doctors they will give the stuff out to anyone who asks for it!!! Tee-hee.
The other thing you can do—and mostly they never catch on to— it is to get them involved, passionately of course, in some moral cause. Seriously, just pick one: homelessness, health care, the economy, Third World countries, peace… They will feel so superior. And even better, they will tell everyone all about their hard work. It will never, ever occur to them that to change the world all they need to change is themselves. If they did that one thing—well, the rest of it would straighten itself out. Whatever you do –don’t tell them about all the holy people keeping the world in check. I mean there are only a few of them—but if more don’t join, eventually all the holy people will die off and … Well, we’ll really be free, free, free to run amuck! Whoot! Just think of the day. Praise the ego.
Actually, you can use parenting too. I mean being a parent and having a family is hard work. But really, we have been pretty successful at thwarting any attempts at realization while someone has children. The adults do not even get how much easier parenting would be—and, of course, what they could teach the kids— if they were just half-aware! Oh boy, make sure you keep that little gem to yourself.
Keep the parents focused on all the other kids, and make parents use other children as measuring sticks for how they and their children are doing. Your host will always loose in comparisons. They feel inadequate in how they are in providing for their kids, how their kids are so far “behind” other kids. Lol! That is the best. Host parents must (Really you have to make hosts do this.) sign the kids up for activities—not just one, mind you. It has to be at least four. Sure, throw them a bone and let one of them be tutoring. Oh, and while you are at it, make sure they use language like; “We don’t have the money for that!” “What do you think I am made of money?” The best is to stay ambiguous: “Money doesn’t grow on trees!” Those poor little future hosts for free-rent zones will be actually looking for a money tree!!! ROTFLMAO. Whew. Almost pee’d my pants.
So whatever subject you pick, you will want to use money all of the time. Hosts think that the source of their good is their job, or spouse, or parents. They actually believe that these channels are made by them! Get this: there has been this new thing going on about being your own boss, and working from home and all the social networking and marketing that you have to do. I mean we know there has to be legwork—but that isn’t how they see it!
They actually think their good is outside of them. Can you believe it? This whole time we are taking up space in their brain –FREE RENT – and it never, ever occurs to the host their good is God. Thank us. If the host were to ever open up to this Divine Presence—well, there would be nothing we could really do at that point except hope that perhaps chimps will begin to acquire language and then we could go live rent free inside their heads. Bummer to think about, huh?
Of course, working in a “company” has been our heyday for some time. A plethora of hosts think they need to get ahead, out-shine co-workers, and work themselves to the bone. Giggle. Giggle. Think of a gaggle of hosts involved in office politics and drama, saying the whole time, “This is the real world of business we have to do it the business way!” (Oh no! I think I might pee myself again.) Have you ever heard of anything so silly? They take themselves so seriously. The real world! Whew. I need a tissue. If they only knew “the real world” was their ministry! Why do you think God put them with all those unbearable people? To bitch and moan “Why me?” No! It is to heal –them and others, of course. Everything would change if they only knew. It can be really scary if or when they decide to go into work and bless everyone. Do not be reactive. Again, see previous instructions on laying low and finding fault with others’ lack of spiritual progress.
Okay, that is about it on the Free Rent Zones. After you read this you need to burn it, eat it, or let the dog eat it. But don’t leave it around for the host to read!
PS One last thing: Do not let them have a peaceful moment. For ego’s sake, do not let them sit down to meditate. Oh, that word makes us nauseous. It, quite frankly, is as unsavory as prayer. Shudder.
I think that about covers it.
Yours in mild misery,
Monkey Mind
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